Saturday, December 15, 2012

Rules And Punishments For Wet, Crowded Parking Lots In December

I had to go to both the post office and the grocery store today, and, after fighting a wide variety of neanderthals and peasants, I have developed this list.

Rule #1: No one who doesn't actually need a handicapped spot shall be allowed to use said handicapped spot, even if the car in question has a handicapped sticker or license plate.  Offenders shall be chained to a wheelchair or a walker for a week to see how it feels.

Rule #2: Anyone who stands in an empty parking spot, yakking away to a friend, while forcing cars to idle waiting to get into a spot and then shouts cusswords at the drivers who dare to beep a horn at them shall be rolled in slush until soaked then left outside without a key for a period of not more than 2 hours.

Rule #3: Absurdly large SUVs and pickup trucks that fill up parking spaces clear to the yellow lines shall not be allowed at this time of year.  Violators shall have their vehicles redecorated by toddlers who have been provided with Disney-themed stickers.

Rule #4: Anyone who parks at an angle in order to prevent other cars from parking in spots next to them, thus taking three parking spaces for themselves, shall have photos of their license plates posted on Facebook and their home addresses given to 8th graders who have been provided with eggs.


  1. Agreed, agreed. I cannot STAND people who use handicapped parks when they are not.
    In our small town we have angle parking along both sides of the main street (it's very wide). It is hopeless when a huge gas-guzzling SUV has parked beside you so that you have to reverse out at a snail's pace, inching out until you can see past the beast to find out if anything's coming. Grrrr!!!!

    Seasonal cheer, anyone? ;)

  2. Hilarious!! And so very, very true!!

  3. Great list. And I love the punishments involving toddlers and 8th graders. (eggs; chuckle, chuckle)