Monday, April 22, 2013

Robert Kirby's 13 Particles of Faith

Robert Kirby is my favorite living humorist.  He might even be a tie for the incredible Erma Bombeck, who is no longer among the living.
Kirby's also the most realistic Mormon in the world, willing to admit his true thoughts about everything.  And this means he often gets hate mail from people who don't think he's a "good enough" Mormon or else that he'd make a better non-Mormon.  Last week, he responded to those people with his own thoughts on faith.
Part of that article includes his own personal parody of Joseph Smith's famous 13 Articles of Faith, which every Mormon primary child is required to memorize (you qualify for a gold star in my book if you can still recite them without looking; I can still do it.).  If you're familiar with the Articles of Faith, this is funny.  If you're a Mormon, this is REALLY funny.

Kirby’s 13 Particles of Faith
1. » I believe in God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost, and in mankind’s inability to tell the difference between them and a giant ball of fire or an extremely intolerant political party.
2. » I believe that men will be punished for their own transgressions, including stuff we did completely by accident or because of testosterone. Women will probably just get probation.
3. » I believe that through the atonement of Christ, everyone will one day be able to tell annoying church leaders where to get off.
4. » I believe that the first principles and ordinances of the LDS Church are boring speakers, meetings that last forever, music that sounds like whale sonograms, food storage gone bad and idiotic bickering over caffeine and movie ratings.
5. » I believe that a man must be called by God, by prophecy and by the laying on of hands, by those who are in authority, and that Facebook posts and texting do not apply. Meanwhile, women answer only to a biological clock.
6. » I believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church: deacons, teachers, centurions, lepers, thieves, virgins, lunatics, mustard seeds and demonically possessed swine.
7. » I believe in the gift of tongues and would die a happy man if, just once, some smarta-- would have the guts to try it when I was around.
8. » I believe the Bible and the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as far as I personally can translate them correctly, which I try not to do because it scares me.
9. » I believe all that God has revealed, all that he does now reveal and I believe he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the colossal foolishness of the entire human race.
10. » I believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes, most of whom will work for Microsoft; that the New Jerusalem will be built on this (North American) continent by undocumented migrant labor and that Christ eventually will rain personality on a generally colorless church.
11. » I claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to it being none of your &%#@ business, and allow all men the same privilege, except for megachurch pastors, self-help gurus and some cannibals.
12. » I believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers and magis. . . wait, no I don’t.
13. » I believe in being honest to a point, true to myself, chased by the police, benevolent to the deserving, virtuous on the Internet and in doing whatever my wife says. Indeed, I may say that I follow the admonition of Paul in believing, hoping and enduring — and that all of this damn well better be worth it in the end.