Incredibly Stupid Headline Alert

On ksl.com today I found this gem of a headline:
3-year-old dead after drowning in hot tub

Yeah, most people are indeed dead after drowning.  In fact, I've never heard of anyone who drowned and lived through it.  Yes, a few lucky souls technically die and then are revived, but drowning is fatal. Otherwise it's called "near-drowning."
A better headline for this unfortunate incident?  How about "Three-Year-Old Drowns In Hot Tub"?  Not that anyone's pleased a child drowned, mind you, but at least the headline itself would befit a tragedy and not a comedy.

Because Childhood Isn't Complex Enough Anymore....

Today I had to trek over to my local Kmart to by exciting things (like socks -- because my life is just that thrilling), and I happened to pass by the toy aisle wherein I saw this:

Fashion Photo Barbie.

I stared blankly at the box for a good 2 minutes, trying to grasp 1) how (camera in doll's spine takes pics to display/make slide shows on doll's tee shirt) and 2) why (I have no freakin' clue why a parent wouldn't just get the child a cheap camera instead).

Once home, I searched for it on amazon to see more and found that Stepford Wife Barbie #1 is not alone!  No!  There's is Stepford Wife Barbie #2, aka Barbie Video Girl!

This one records videos from her necklace and then shows them on her back.

I had no idea that Mattel was so very in league with the NSA.  Who knows what Big Brother will want to see next if Barbie's bugged!

Ten Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me

1) I have never owned any Legos.
2) I read Catcher in the Rye at age 14, prepared to have my life changed by this highly recommended book.  I saw no plot and no point.  I read the book again after years and years of teaching English, prepared to be amazed by what I had missed as a kid.  I still saw no plot and no point, only a spoiled and unmotivated protagonist who goes from nothing to nothing.  I still wonder why anyone views this book as a classic.
3) I eat sandwiches in a circle.
4) I grade school papers in green ink, usually with a Bic pen.
5) I learned about the Red Baron and Beethoven at age 6 from reading the Peanuts comic strips.
6) I don't really like to chew gum.
7) I don't do Facebook because of the lack of control the profile owner has over who posts what on their page.
8) When I was 3, I disliked the number 14 so much that I would intentionally skip it when counting anything.
9) The spelling/grammar/punctuation errors that most infuriate me are "a lot" and "all right" spelled as single words, sentences that confuse "then" and "than," and errors with plural possessives (like when people write "girl's volleyball team" instead of "girls' volleyball team" or "mens restroom" when it's "men's restroom").
10) I've been too busy this week to write any decent posts.
Oh, wait.  I think you guessed that last one already. :P

An English Teacher Rants About Proper Word Usage: Rant #3 "Retro" And "Vintage"

Pinterest, etsy, twitter, online clothing stores, and various blogs are filled with fashionistas -- ignorant fashionistas who cannot tell the difference between the terms "vintage" and "retro."  This makes me want to scream.

Vintage = old.  It's referring to wine, which must be aged in order not to be grape juice.  Vine -- vineyard -- vintage -- get it?
Vintage clothes, vintage jewelry, vintage cars all must be OLD, not just made to look old.

Retro, on the other hand, is a prefix meaning "back" or "backward."  Something retro is looking backwards into the past.  Therefore, new items made in an old style, be they replicas or just something that hints at a former style, are retro.  They are not vintage.

The website that sells this Halloween costume for $26.00 calls it "retro vintage."  It's not vintage.  It's just retro, cheap retro at that.

I found this iPhone 5 case on pinterest labeled "vintage retro."  No, an antique truck is vintage; it's not retro.  And an iPhone case is neither vintage nor retro.

This I also found on pinterest.  It was also labeled "vintage retro."

This is neither vintage nor retro.  Not even during the 70s did people wallpaper their bathtubs.  The correct term for this is "hideous."

This was labeled "vintage."

Uh, well, maybe the chair is vintage, but it's kinda hard to tell when it's covered with neon green paint/icing that is most definitely NOT vintage.

Look, this one's pretty simple.  Vintage = old.  Retro = new but made to LOOK old.
Got it?
Good.
Use the terms properly.
This has been another rant from your local English teacher.

An English Teacher Rants About Proper Word Usage: Rant #2 "Traditional Marriage"

For the last several years, the debate about what marriage is or isn't has become an increasingly hot topic.  And lazy reporters, bloggers, and ordinary citizens repeatedly use the phrase "traditional marriage" as some kind of opposite to the term "gay marriage."  Here's an example:
Protecting Traditional Marriage: For centuries, marriage has been defined as a union between one man and one woman. Efforts are underway across America to redefine marriage to include same-sex couples.
This drives me freakin' nuts because "traditional marriage" is such an ambiguous term.
Exactly WHOSE tradition does the speaker mean?  In some Middle Eastern areas, it's apparently legal and traditional for a man to marry up to four women -- and to have stoned to death any who are "guilty" of adultery.  In India, girls are often forced into arranged marriages at very young ages.  This is done according to tradition.  In some spots in Tibet, it has been traditional for one woman to marry 2 or more brothers, so as to keep the land inheritance going into the same family lines.  In Utah, polygyny (most often called "polygamy" instead) is the most traditional form of marriage in the state.  In ancient Egypt and in several royal households of Europe, incest was traditional, so as to keep the royal lines "pure."
Even if we limit "traditional marriage" to Judeo-Christian traditions, it's still pretty ambiguous.  This graphic (misspells "polygyny") shows most of the Old Testament forms of "traditional marriage."

(Yup, forcing a woman to marry her rapist is "traditional."  But that doesn't make it right, even if the Bible says it.  Sorry.)

Look, people, whatever your political views, stop using the ambiguous term "traditional marriage" as an all-purpose antonym for gay marriage or same-sex marriage.  If what you mean is "heterosexual monogamy," then learn to pronounce all those difficult syllables and start using the term.  NOW.

An English Teacher Rants About Proper Word Usage: Rant #1 "Toddler"

Yes, I am silently correcting your grammar, syntax, punctuation, vocabulary use, etc. all the time.  I cannot help it any more than a dentist can help noticing the state of your teeth or a fashionista can help noticing whether or not you have run-down heels.  And the internet is FULL of mistakes which make me want to slap people.  However, since slapping my laptop screen will do no good, I will rant instead.
Rant #1 concerns the misuse of the term "toddler."

A toddler is a child who is past the stage of infant.  It is a child who is learning to walk, and hence, it toddles, or walks unsteadily.

From a medical dictionary:
toddler

Etymology: ME, toteren, to walk unsteadily

a child between 12 and 36 months of age. 

From a Random House dictionary:

toddler  (ˈtɒdlə)
— n
1.	a young child, usually one between the ages of one and two and a half

Thus, unless the kid can't walk properly after the age of 2 1/2 or 3, it is not correct to call that kid a "toddler."  If it doesn't toddle, it's not a toddler.
A child too old to be a toddler but too young for school is often called a pre-schooler.  This general designation indicated children from age 3 to those 5-year-olds not yet in kindergarten.  A child of 3, 4, or 5 is NOT A TODDLER.

This is wrong.

So is this.

Learn the difference and stop confusing your readers.  There is no such thing as a 4-year-old toddler.

Why The Gods Of Google/Blogger Gave Us Comment Moderation

To the dude who tried to post a link in my comment section to a pole dancing blog:
Uh, no.
Not even.
Go away.
That is all.