In the wake of the tragedy in Orlando (49 people killed by a gunman in a gay night club), the internet has been swamped with people talking about how to explain to their kids that gay people were killed -- presumably because they were gay or friends of gays. This has also led to more discussion about whether or not schools should mention the existence of LGBTQ folks to children.
My thoughts?
Duh.
Look, it's really not that hard to explain to kids, folks. Let me give you an example:
It's 1995 and a gay couple in my dance group, Bart and Thom (both white), have just adopted an infant girl, Eliza (black). Although I have been around gay men in various dance groups for years at this point, I have never heard of gay marriage before and have had no clue that a gay couple would even want to adopt a child. (I will learn much in the years that follow.) Nevertheless, I like Bart very much and try to like his (understandably, in retrospect) rather defensive partner, Thom, and I wish them happiness -- even as I wrap my mind around a new concept.
It's their 3rd time bringing their new daughter (some 5 or 6 weeks old at this point) to rehearsal, and I happen to be standing nearby as Thom is picking up her things, preparing to leave, when the 7-year-old son of a straight, white, Mormon man in the group stares at baby Eliza and says, "Where's her mom? How come she doesn't have one?"
Thom looks up and our eyes meet. He and I have never been super-friendly at this point (we will get over this in the future), never allies -- as he has too much resentment for Mormons and the Church's intolerance of gays. However, I see he's a panicked new dad; he has not yet figured out how to answer this awkward question in the 1995 world of intolerance. There is a split second of silence between us, during which I realize that my experience as a teacher needs to override his right as a father -- just this once, until his feet are more firmly planted in the role.
"Oh, she has a mom," I say confidently. "Everybody has a mom. But Eliza's birth mom knew that she would not be able to take care of her, give her a safe home and a good education. So when her birth mom found out that Bart and Thom wanted a baby to love, she was very happy to know that her little girl would be going to a good home."
Immense relief floods Thom's face. "Exactly!" he says, smiling. (I can tell he plans to use my explanation the next time a child asks him.)
"Oh," says the boy, and he runs off to do something else. He is satisfied. He has no problem with the baby's having two fathers. He has no problem with her being a black child of white parents. He has ABSOLUTELY NO ADULT HATE OR HANG UPS over the situation at all. That's it.
More than 20 years later, it's easier, not harder, to explain this stuff to kids. Not everybody has the same kind of family. It's not that hard, folks. Stop getting so worked up about it, and just tell kids the truth on a level that's right for their age. The 7-year-old wasn't asking about gay sex; he just wanted to know where the mom of the baby was. An 11-year-old would probably have more questions and need more explanation.
So, how do you explain to kids about the tragedy in Orlando? Well, you tell them there are scary people in the world, people filled with hate of those who are different from themselves or different from what they think people should be like. And sometimes these scary people set out to hurt and kill. This time, gay people were the target. Yes, it's scary. And, yes, we do need to be careful. But we don't need to hate; that will only make it worse.
Hiding stuff from kids will only make them suspicious and afraid. Just tell them simply and truthfully, but not hatefully.
Oh, and just so you know, Bart and Thom are still together now. They live in a different state, so I'm not sure if they're married or not, now that it's legal. But they raised Eliza and Andy (adopted a year or so later) into great young adults. Their family -- which worked just fine -- was the main reason I never picked up on the Mormon hatred of gay families. By the time such stuff began to be preached in Church, I already knew that a gay family wasn't all that much different from any other family, and certainly was nothing to fear.
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Friday, June 17, 2016
Monday, April 4, 2016
Mormons And Divorce: Debunking The Myth
I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I've heard it said or implied in Church that LDS Temple marriages far less likely to end in divorce than what Mormons call "civil marriages" (which include any legal marriages -- even those performed by LDS bishops in LDS meetinghouses -- not performed in one of the LDS Church's 150-ish temples by those with special authority upon those who've -- theoretically -- met the highest standards of worthiness).
Many times, local leaders and/or teachers will flat-out state that God blesses those who marry in the Temple far more than those who don't, so that the marriages of the former have a God-given chance of lasting and all others take their chances with the US divorce rate of 50%. Other Mormons have taken a more practical view, stating that it's simply that those who are willing to conduct their lives according to such high standards share common views and common goals, and thus they are likely more able to make their marriages work.
Yet, every time I'd hear this claim, I'd always remembered that I knew quite a few people who'd been divorced after marrying in the Temple and that most of the very best marriages I know are between people who never bothered with the Temple.
Thus, a few months ago, I started jotting down notes, adding to my lists as I went. And I've come to the conclusion that, based on my own personal knowledge, there isn't a whole lot of difference in numbers of divorces from Temple marriages vs. civil marriages.
Let me give the specifics.
First of all, I determined the following: 1) These must be heterosexual marriages because gay marriage is too new and because it is not allowed in the Temple anyway. 2) I could only count people who lived in Utah or had been raised in Utah, LDS or not. 3) I could only count couples I knew personally or else knew their children very well and had heard in-depth stories concerning the demise of the marriages.
Then I listed the names of the couples, noting whether or not theirs had been a Temple marriage and indicating the reason for the divorce.
(One surprising find was that I could only list a couple of marriages wherein I knew that some kind of financial problem had been a part of the cause, and only a single instance wherein I knew that finances had been the main cause. I have always heard that financial problems are the #1 cause of marriage break-up in the US, so this surprised me. However, I do have a long list of people where I don't know the cause of their divorce, so perhaps this is where all the financial problems really are hiding.)
Here are the reasons for divorce and the numbers:
The man cheated on his wife: 8 Temple, 4 civil, (plus 2 more Temple marriages where the woman wanted to leave but had no way to support herself so she stayed)
The woman cheated: 1 Temple, 1 civil
The man wanted a new life or a new wife: 10 Temple, 4 civil
The woman wanted a new life or a new husband: 1 Temple
The man refused to get/keep a job: 1 Temple (plus 1 civil where this almost happened, but then the wife took him back for some unfathomable reason)
The woman was an idiot and the husband could stand it no longer: 3 Temple, 1 civil
The man was an arrogant jerk and the woman could stand it no longer: 7 Temple, 6 civil
The man was an idiot and the wife could stand it no longer: 1 Temple
The man had substance abuse problems: 2 civil
The woman had substance abuse problems: 1 civil
The man was gay but had hoped to be "cured" by marrying a woman: 1 Temple
The couple got married way too young and simply outgrew each other: 6 civil
The couple had not dated enough other people before marriage: 1 civil
The man had charmed the woman into marriage so he could get US citizenship: 1 civil
The man wanted access to the wife's bank account: 1 Temple
The man had mental health issues which the woman thought she could "cure": 1 Temple
The couple married too fast without getting to know each other first: 2 Temple, 2 civil
Unknown reasons: 6 Temple, 11 civil
Total number of Temple marriages ending in divorce: 43
Total number of civil marriages ending in divorce: 37
(I didn't count the "almost" divorces.)
Obviously, that's pretty close. Based on my personal knowledge, I don't think I agree that Temple marriages are inherently more likely to last than civil marriages.
Other things that become apparent from my tallies:
Number of divorces where the man was to blame: 47
Number of divorces where the woman was to blame: 8
Number of divorces where both parties were to blame: 11
Number where the blame is unknown: 17
I'm going to state here that, based on my observations, it's more likely to be the guy who wrecks a marriage than the gal.
At any rate, I think I'm less likely than ever to believe that LDS Temple marriages are all that much less likely to end in divorce than other types are.
Many times, local leaders and/or teachers will flat-out state that God blesses those who marry in the Temple far more than those who don't, so that the marriages of the former have a God-given chance of lasting and all others take their chances with the US divorce rate of 50%. Other Mormons have taken a more practical view, stating that it's simply that those who are willing to conduct their lives according to such high standards share common views and common goals, and thus they are likely more able to make their marriages work.
Yet, every time I'd hear this claim, I'd always remembered that I knew quite a few people who'd been divorced after marrying in the Temple and that most of the very best marriages I know are between people who never bothered with the Temple.
Thus, a few months ago, I started jotting down notes, adding to my lists as I went. And I've come to the conclusion that, based on my own personal knowledge, there isn't a whole lot of difference in numbers of divorces from Temple marriages vs. civil marriages.
Let me give the specifics.
First of all, I determined the following: 1) These must be heterosexual marriages because gay marriage is too new and because it is not allowed in the Temple anyway. 2) I could only count people who lived in Utah or had been raised in Utah, LDS or not. 3) I could only count couples I knew personally or else knew their children very well and had heard in-depth stories concerning the demise of the marriages.
Then I listed the names of the couples, noting whether or not theirs had been a Temple marriage and indicating the reason for the divorce.
(One surprising find was that I could only list a couple of marriages wherein I knew that some kind of financial problem had been a part of the cause, and only a single instance wherein I knew that finances had been the main cause. I have always heard that financial problems are the #1 cause of marriage break-up in the US, so this surprised me. However, I do have a long list of people where I don't know the cause of their divorce, so perhaps this is where all the financial problems really are hiding.)
Here are the reasons for divorce and the numbers:
The man cheated on his wife: 8 Temple, 4 civil, (plus 2 more Temple marriages where the woman wanted to leave but had no way to support herself so she stayed)
The woman cheated: 1 Temple, 1 civil
The man wanted a new life or a new wife: 10 Temple, 4 civil
The woman wanted a new life or a new husband: 1 Temple
The man refused to get/keep a job: 1 Temple (plus 1 civil where this almost happened, but then the wife took him back for some unfathomable reason)
The woman was an idiot and the husband could stand it no longer: 3 Temple, 1 civil
The man was an arrogant jerk and the woman could stand it no longer: 7 Temple, 6 civil
The man was an idiot and the wife could stand it no longer: 1 Temple
The man had substance abuse problems: 2 civil
The woman had substance abuse problems: 1 civil
The man was gay but had hoped to be "cured" by marrying a woman: 1 Temple
The couple got married way too young and simply outgrew each other: 6 civil
The couple had not dated enough other people before marriage: 1 civil
The man had charmed the woman into marriage so he could get US citizenship: 1 civil
The man wanted access to the wife's bank account: 1 Temple
The man had mental health issues which the woman thought she could "cure": 1 Temple
The couple married too fast without getting to know each other first: 2 Temple, 2 civil
Unknown reasons: 6 Temple, 11 civil
Total number of Temple marriages ending in divorce: 43
Total number of civil marriages ending in divorce: 37
(I didn't count the "almost" divorces.)
Obviously, that's pretty close. Based on my personal knowledge, I don't think I agree that Temple marriages are inherently more likely to last than civil marriages.
Other things that become apparent from my tallies:
Number of divorces where the man was to blame: 47
Number of divorces where the woman was to blame: 8
Number of divorces where both parties were to blame: 11
Number where the blame is unknown: 17
I'm going to state here that, based on my observations, it's more likely to be the guy who wrecks a marriage than the gal.
At any rate, I think I'm less likely than ever to believe that LDS Temple marriages are all that much less likely to end in divorce than other types are.
Monday, June 23, 2014
How The Headlines Put A Spin On It
Differing points of view are most certainly apparent in these headlines, which all cover the same event.
From ABC News, the headline is "Mormon Church Excommunicates Kate Kelly, Women's Rights Activist."
From The Washington Post, the headline is "Founder Of Mormon Women's Movement Excommunicated By All-Male Panel."
From KSL News (owned by the LDS Church), a story that is relegated to a page other than the homepage is titled, "Ordain Women Founder Excommunicated From LDS Church."
And, finally, the two most-telling headlines of all:
From the LDS Church-owned Deseret News comes the headline:
And from The Salt Lake Tribune, which does its best daily to remind the world it is NOT owned by the LDS Church, we get this headline:
And once again, cartoonist Pat Bagley provides visual commentary:
From ABC News, the headline is "Mormon Church Excommunicates Kate Kelly, Women's Rights Activist."
From The Washington Post, the headline is "Founder Of Mormon Women's Movement Excommunicated By All-Male Panel."
From KSL News (owned by the LDS Church), a story that is relegated to a page other than the homepage is titled, "Ordain Women Founder Excommunicated From LDS Church."
And, finally, the two most-telling headlines of all:
From the LDS Church-owned Deseret News comes the headline:
Ordain Women founder's recruitment efforts result in excommunication from LDS Church
Kate Kelly's 'conduct contrary to the laws and order of the church,' bishop says
And from The Salt Lake Tribune, which does its best daily to remind the world it is NOT owned by the LDS Church, we get this headline:
Kelly on her Mormon excommunication: ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’
Religion » Ordain Women founder urges other Latter-day Saints to stick with the faith.
And once again, cartoonist Pat Bagley provides visual commentary:
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Something's Not Right Here
So, I just got a breaking news tweet from CNN that the Pope has excommunicated Italian Mafia members, presumably for organized crime, drugs, and probably murder.
This week, Utah news has even spread across the US, as the LDS Church prepares to excommunicate Kate Kelly (of OrdainWomen.org) and John Dehlin (of Mormon Stories) for.... uh, presumably because of feminism (OW has repeatedly asked LDS authorities to consider asking God for revelation on women's ordination) and gay rights (Dehlin has been outspokenly in favor of gay marriage), while Cliven Bundy, who led an armed insurrection against government forces, is, apparently, still considered a member in good standing (He is reportedly LDS.).
This week, Utah news has even spread across the US, as the LDS Church prepares to excommunicate Kate Kelly (of OrdainWomen.org) and John Dehlin (of Mormon Stories) for.... uh, presumably because of feminism (OW has repeatedly asked LDS authorities to consider asking God for revelation on women's ordination) and gay rights (Dehlin has been outspokenly in favor of gay marriage), while Cliven Bundy, who led an armed insurrection against government forces, is, apparently, still considered a member in good standing (He is reportedly LDS.).
So, the Catholic church is ousting criminals and the LDS church is punishing ... uh, people who want equality?
Wow. Just wow.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Columnist Robert Kirby On The Ordain Women Movement = Quote Of The Day
I love Robert Kirby, columnist for The Salt Lake Tribune. He has that great gift of wit found in the writings of Erma Bombeck and Mark Twain; he can say succinctly with humor little bits of profound wisdom.
Last week he commented on the uproar caused this autumn by women (and some men!) who feel that it's time that women in the LDS Church should stop being forced to take figurative seats at the back of the bus and be allowed equal church rights alongside men. I absolutely loved how he summed up the whole argument:
"Those opposed to women being ordained are probably more worried about their own ability to cope with change rather than doctrinal appropriateness."
Last week he commented on the uproar caused this autumn by women (and some men!) who feel that it's time that women in the LDS Church should stop being forced to take figurative seats at the back of the bus and be allowed equal church rights alongside men. I absolutely loved how he summed up the whole argument:
"Those opposed to women being ordained are probably more worried about their own ability to cope with change rather than doctrinal appropriateness."
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Quote of the Day: Robert Kirby On Mormon Music
Robert Kirby, a humorist for the Salt Lake Tribune, is one of my favorite writers.
This quote is from his recent column about the relative "weirdness" of church worship. He was comparing the music at a non-LDS service he attended to what Mormons consider "normal."
The quote:
"As a Mormon, I was more accustomed to hymns of a low moaning sort, like badly wounded zombies set to music."
This quote is from his recent column about the relative "weirdness" of church worship. He was comparing the music at a non-LDS service he attended to what Mormons consider "normal."
The quote:
"As a Mormon, I was more accustomed to hymns of a low moaning sort, like badly wounded zombies set to music."
Monday, April 22, 2013
Robert Kirby's 13 Particles of Faith
Robert Kirby is my favorite living humorist. He might even be a tie for the incredible Erma Bombeck, who is no longer among the living.
Kirby's also the most realistic Mormon in the world, willing to admit his true thoughts about everything. And this means he often gets hate mail from people who don't think he's a "good enough" Mormon or else that he'd make a better non-Mormon. Last week, he responded to those people with his own thoughts on faith.
Part of that article includes his own personal parody of Joseph Smith's famous 13 Articles of Faith, which every Mormon primary child is required to memorize (you qualify for a gold star in my book if you can still recite them without looking; I can still do it.). If you're familiar with the Articles of Faith, this is funny. If you're a Mormon, this is REALLY funny.
Kirby's also the most realistic Mormon in the world, willing to admit his true thoughts about everything. And this means he often gets hate mail from people who don't think he's a "good enough" Mormon or else that he'd make a better non-Mormon. Last week, he responded to those people with his own thoughts on faith.
Part of that article includes his own personal parody of Joseph Smith's famous 13 Articles of Faith, which every Mormon primary child is required to memorize (you qualify for a gold star in my book if you can still recite them without looking; I can still do it.). If you're familiar with the Articles of Faith, this is funny. If you're a Mormon, this is REALLY funny.
Kirby’s 13 Particles of Faith
1. » I believe in God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost, and in mankind’s inability to tell the difference between them and a giant ball of fire or an extremely intolerant political party.
2. » I believe that men will be punished for their own transgressions, including stuff we did completely by accident or because of testosterone. Women will probably just get probation.
3. » I believe that through the atonement of Christ, everyone will one day be able to tell annoying church leaders where to get off.
4. » I believe that the first principles and ordinances of the LDS Church are boring speakers, meetings that last forever, music that sounds like whale sonograms, food storage gone bad and idiotic bickering over caffeine and movie ratings.
5. » I believe that a man must be called by God, by prophecy and by the laying on of hands, by those who are in authority, and that Facebook posts and texting do not apply. Meanwhile, women answer only to a biological clock.
6. » I believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church: deacons, teachers, centurions, lepers, thieves, virgins, lunatics, mustard seeds and demonically possessed swine.
7. » I believe in the gift of tongues and would die a happy man if, just once, some smarta-- would have the guts to try it when I was around.
8. » I believe the Bible and the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as far as I personally can translate them correctly, which I try not to do because it scares me.
9. » I believe all that God has revealed, all that he does now reveal and I believe he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the colossal foolishness of the entire human race.
10. » I believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes, most of whom will work for Microsoft; that the New Jerusalem will be built on this (North American) continent by undocumented migrant labor and that Christ eventually will rain personality on a generally colorless church.
11. » I claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to it being none of your &%#@ business, and allow all men the same privilege, except for megachurch pastors, self-help gurus and some cannibals.
12. » I believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers and magis. . . wait, no I don’t.
13. » I believe in being honest to a point, true to myself, chased by the police, benevolent to the deserving, virtuous on the Internet and in doing whatever my wife says. Indeed, I may say that I follow the admonition of Paul in believing, hoping and enduring — and that all of this damn well better be worth it in the end.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
A Hilarious Take On Religious Philosophy
I love Robert Kirby, columnist for the Salt Lake Tribune. And his column today had me snorting laughter over my laptop keyboard.
Read on. It's great.
Read on. It's great.
Kirby: Imagine being the son of the Son of God
It’s a fair (though admittedly irreverent) question in light of a recent discovery. On an ancient bit of papyrus, Jesus reportedly mentions having a wife.If you think being the Son of God was tough, consider what it would be like to be the Grandson of God. Or worse, the King of Kings Jr.
According to a Religion News Service story, “the fragment is from a fourth-century codex written in Coptic that may have come from an earlier, unknown gospel. The receipt-sized slip of papyrus contains just 33 words spread across 14 incomplete lines and quotes Jesus referring to “my wife” before the sentence is cut off.”
Note: You can find out all about this scrap of papyrus on the Internet, so I’m not getting into the specifics here. The point is that it raises the question (once again) as to whether Jesus was ever married (or for that matter divorced).
The idea of a married Savior bothers some Christians. They don’t like the idea of seeing the Lord in a marital setting, having to do common man chores around the house before he could go drive the Pharisees nuts.
Also, if Jesus was married, it opens the question of whether he and his wife ever had children. Being the Lord’s kid would have been awful.
Fortunately, I have a mortal father. I was 27 percent successful when it came to lying to my father, which means I had a 3-1 chance of getting away with something.
Imagine being raised by someone who didn’t have to ask what time you got home last night because he knew before the world was even formed that you were going to blow curfew on Friday, Jan. 11, 2013.
And the Lord wouldn’t have to just ground you if you were bad. He could cast you into worse places than your room. Imagine spending a time-out inside a pig.
Being the Lord’s wife would be tough. In the middle of a marital “discussion,” she would never be able to scornfully say, “Oh, you just think you’re so perfect.”
It wouldn’t be much fun for the Savior, either. Being without sin, he could never lie when his wife asked, “Do these jeans make my butt look big?”
But the real problem is the kids. What percent celestial would they be? Could they perform lesser miracles? How would you ever be your own person if you were the child of the Prince of Peace?
There’s worse. If the Lord had children, those children had children, and those children had … you see where I’m going, right? Yeah, genealogy.
I volunteered at an LDS Family History Center for years. I know how fascinated some family researchers are with connecting their lines to various forms of royalty.
If the Savior of the World had progeny, you can imagine the scramble for a personal link to that particular branch of humanity.
Patron 1: “I’m related to Brigham Young through his 15th wife.”
Patron 2: “Big deal. I’m three-millionth percent divine on my mother’s side.”
A betrothed Jesus bothers some Christians. It’s OK with me because it’s none of my business. Furthermore, it doesn’t change anything about all that “love one another” stuff that I still don’t do.
rkirby@sltrib.com
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