Sunday, January 13, 2013

A Hilarious Take On Religious Philosophy

I love Robert Kirby, columnist for the Salt Lake Tribune.  And his column today had me snorting laughter over my laptop keyboard.
Read on.  It's great.

Kirby: Imagine being the son of the Son of God
It’s a fair (though admittedly irreverent) question in light of a recent discovery. On an ancient bit of papyrus, Jesus reportedly mentions having a wife.If you think being the Son of God was tough, consider what it would be like to be the Grandson of God. Or worse, the King of Kings Jr.
According to a Religion News Service story, “the fragment is from a fourth-century codex written in Coptic that may have come from an earlier, unknown gospel. The receipt-sized slip of papyrus contains just 33 words spread across 14 incomplete lines and quotes Jesus referring to “my wife” before the sentence is cut off.”
Note: You can find out all about this scrap of papyrus on the Internet, so I’m not getting into the specifics here. The point is that it raises the question (once again) as to whether Jesus was ever married (or for that matter divorced).
The idea of a married Savior bothers some Christians. They don’t like the idea of seeing the Lord in a marital setting, having to do common man chores around the house before he could go drive the Pharisees nuts.
Also, if Jesus was married, it opens the question of whether he and his wife ever had children. Being the Lord’s kid would have been awful.
Fortunately, I have a mortal father. I was 27 percent successful when it came to lying to my father, which means I had a 3-1 chance of getting away with something.
Imagine being raised by someone who didn’t have to ask what time you got home last night because he knew before the world was even formed that you were going to blow curfew on Friday, Jan. 11, 2013.
And the Lord wouldn’t have to just ground you if you were bad. He could cast you into worse places than your room. Imagine spending a time-out inside a pig.
Being the Lord’s wife would be tough. In the middle of a marital “discussion,” she would never be able to scornfully say, “Oh, you just think you’re so perfect.”
It wouldn’t be much fun for the Savior, either. Being without sin, he could never lie when his wife asked, “Do these jeans make my butt look big?”
But the real problem is the kids. What percent celestial would they be? Could they perform lesser miracles? How would you ever be your own person if you were the child of the Prince of Peace?
There’s worse. If the Lord had children, those children had children, and those children had … you see where I’m going, right? Yeah, genealogy.
I volunteered at an LDS Family History Center for years. I know how fascinated some family researchers are with connecting their lines to various forms of royalty.
If the Savior of the World had progeny, you can imagine the scramble for a personal link to that particular branch of humanity.
Patron 1: “I’m related to Brigham Young through his 15th wife.”
Patron 2: “Big deal. I’m three-millionth percent divine on my mother’s side.”
A betrothed Jesus bothers some Christians. It’s OK with me because it’s none of my business. Furthermore, it doesn’t change anything about all that “love one another” stuff that I still don’t do.


  1. This is superb. I love the idea of christ's wife asking if her bum looks big.

    Gave me huge laugh, thanks.

    1. My favorite is the kid getting time out as a pig. :D

  2. Gotta love Kirby. I missed this one, glad you posted it.